Michael's 11th Birthday

Here's just a quick shout out to Michael who had a birthday over a month ago. He wanted everyone to see his cake, and since he didn't have a birthday party I thought I would oblige him.

Yes, you read that right: Michael didn't have a birthday party. It killed me. If you know me at all, you know that I love birthday parties - especially themed ones. I love birthday parties so much that we celebrate the kids' half birthdays (though only with a half-cake, half candles and just one gift: get the theme?).

My Grandma Keck also loved birthdays. It didn't matter how old anyone in the family was, we got together at her house for cake, ice cream, and a horribly out-of-tune rendition of the birthday song.

Sometimes we couldn't manage to meet until a couple weeks after the actual birthday. It didn't matter. Sometimes it was just Grandma, Grandpa, Steve and I. It didn't matter. Most of the time gifts weren't exchanged. It didn't matter.

I didn't think much about it until I had my own little family and Grandma was only a precious memory in my heart. It was just some thing we did, but now it is a part of who I am. Birthdays matter in my home.

So when Michael told me he didn't want a birthday party this year it broke my heart. And why he didn't want one wasn't for the reasons you'd think, like maybe he thinks he's too mature for a party. It's actually quite complicated, with religious, cultural and above all, empathetic underpinnings.

Reason 1: He wouldn't be able to invite EVERYONE and he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Last year Michael had 5 friends over for a movie night/sleepover party. When he got back to school after the weekend, one of the boys bragged about the party. Numerous uninvited boys were hurt and likely angry that they weren't invited. We all know that it's part of life, but Michael is really sensitive and empathetic and it really bothered him. He carried that guilt around for a year and never mentioned it to anyone until I asked why he didn't want a party this year.

There's no way I'd let him invite the whole 5th grade over to our house, but since we can have free pool parties I thought we could find a way to make it work. Which led us to....

Reason 2: Michael wanted to invite boys AND girls.

We work, learn and live alongside a large number of Muslims. Many of Michael's friends are Muslims. Some of his friends are entering puberty and wouldn't be able to attend a party that had mingling of the sexes (even though they are only 11 years old). His friends would try to come anyway by lying to their parents about where they were going, and might possibly get into trouble. He didn't want to put them in that position. And going back to Reason 1, he didn't want to leave anyone out (by only inviting boys).

I'm not going to comment on other people's religious choices. I'm just so sad that it has to effect whether my son can feel good about having a birthday party. He just refused to do it because he couldn't find a way to reconcile the whole thing.

It really speaks to the kind of heart this boy has. He was completely satisfied with NO PARTY, in order to not hurt feelings or get his friends in trouble. I *love* the person he is becoming.

In the end, we got together with the Neumans, friends we known since we moved to Maryland in 2000. Heidi and Michael's birthdays are a couple days apart and they are the closest thing to family we have here. With no theme to work around, Michael asked me to surprise him this year with a special cake. This picture captured his reaction when he saw it for the first time. He loved it!